Johnny Says Blog

OCTOBER MMIX!

2009-10-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Here's some god damn music for you to rock out to. All mixed up, in one m4a file...

Talk soon, Johnny

DOWNLOAD THE HITS HERE

Kylie in Chicago

2009-10-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Making my way to the UIC pavilion at 10am, I am eager to get my Kylie on. A true-blue fan since I stumbled onto "The Loco-Motion" in second grade, Kylie and I go way back.

Since my initial exposure to Kylie Fever in 1988, I have acquired quite the little collection: literally hundreds of cds from around the world, dozens upon dozens of magazines, vinyl, shirts, books, programs, posters, dvds, even a few slap bracelets. It's kinda a mess...

The friendly boys in line, which I will later name TeamKylie, were an amiable group of fellas: holding spots for one another for bathroom and food breaks. With 9 hours out on the streets before doors were to open, I was relieved that our crappy fall weather let up, and we had a bit of sunshine.

When Kylie's people arrived for sound check, her cousin Lauren, who runs the tour blog, shows up and interviews us all... the subsequent result of which is a goofy Johnny boy on Kylie's official YouTube.

I met a lot of very interesting people: a woman from France who follows Kylie about the globe. Another woman, I believe from Holland, was covered in Kylie tats, and announced that this was her 110th time seeing the Min on stage. She has been traveling around the states with this tour, and from the sounds of it, didn't miss much, if any of, the Kylie X 2008 tour dates.

Most impressive was Ruby: she stood no more that 5 feet, and was dressed as superwoman: her bright red hair swooped up inside a weathered scarf. When I first encountered Ruby, I assumed she was homeless, and happened onto the queue of Kyliejunkies by accident, but the hours that passes proved her die-hard spirit.

A few games of Gin, and a nibble of Thai food later, we are counting the moments until the doors are unlocked, and the tsunami of gays will rush into the theatee to take their places as close to the stage as humanly possible. We are warned not to have cameras, as they will be taken away, but a lovely man from Mexico assures me that if I tie the strap around my belt, the camera will safely tuck amongst my unmentionables. He was absolutely correct, and the result is a series of portraits from the show that I am quite proud of.

The doors open, and suddenly the bonds and friendships we had spent the day creating were all broken. Each man for himself as the sea of people run through the arena. Perhaps this is a slightly more masculine version of The Rushing Bride's Basement's gown sale... no, I instantly take that back. Nothing about this affair is masculine.

I manage a space in the front row, and although a drink sounds delightful at this point, decide to refrain from any activity that will cause me to jeopardize my spot. A DJ spins a few little hits as the pavilion fills us, and the lights dim. It's showtime!

Curtains drop, and from the roof lowers the large Crystal Disco Skull. Riding atop this magnificent beast is our Queen of Pop, singing "Light Years." She is slowly joined on stage by her dancers: all dressed up as robots. I love this. Next up on the hit parade is "Speakerphone" which is seemingly more glorious than it's previous incarnation on the X Tour... "Come Into My World" and "In Your Eyes" follow suit, and then it's costume break.

Out comes "Smiley Kylie" for her vintage Medley, dominated primarily by "Shocked" and "Spinning Around" but to my delight, she re-sampled her sample of "Double Dutch/The Real Slim Shady" by dropping in her "I'm Slim Lady," which remains one of my favorite Kylie bits to date. She follows this up with a new song "Better Than Today" which sounds suspiciously Scissor Sisters-esque. I anxious await a studio version of this one! Note: at this point, Kylie's lady-dancers have pink wigs as shoulder pads. Amazing.

The next costume is the Militant business used in the marketing campaign for this tour, in a white. Smoke fills the stage and we get "Like A Drug," "Boombox," "CGYOOMY" and "Slow." This section may be my favorite bit of the show. I am not entirely sure yet... but it was un-fucking-real.

Bring on the gay: out come Kylie's boys in their undies for "Red Blooded Woman" and "Wow." Maybe "Slow" was part of this. I can't seem to remember... but it was cool. Very raunchy.

Kylie gets classy for "White Diamond," "Confide In Me," and "I Believe in You," with custom-Chicago projections and rose petals dropping from the roof, but before you know it, it's nasty again with "Burning Up/Vogue" with Kylie's dancers in strange corsets and wire masks. Very nice. Kylie treats us to her blues version of "Locomotion" and demands the audience carry the Robbie Williams portion of "Kids."

A technical glitch leaves Kylie to chat with the audience, to which a group of us suggest an acoustic rendition of "Your Disco Needs You" via chant. She accepts our offer, and the result is a moving sing-a-long between Kylie and her mid-west army. She completes the ENTIRE song (yes, even the French bit) and advances to a show-stopping rendition of "In My Arms."

She pretends that the show is over, but we all know better, and it's not long before she re-emerges to sing "Better The Devil You Know" and "The One," which are both amazing. The show sees it's real finale with an extended version of "Love At First Sight." Kylie thanks us all, and confetti drops from the roof. My night of dancing like a demon has come to a grandiose ending.

It sounds silly. I look stupid. I don't care. I have looked forward to this night for 20 years. It was amazing. It was the best show I have ever been to. I woke up and cried this morning. Am I ashamed? Yeah... maybe. Whatever. Everyone has their thing, right? It was mind-blowing. Best concert ever. Hands down.

Check Out My Pix!!!

Johnny Loves Kylie

2009-09-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

With just days before Kylie's first-ever American tour kicks off, I am getting a little anxious. To help pass the time, I though I would assemble a collection of tracks for my fellow Kyliejunkies: made from my favorite mixes and unreleased tracks.

I spent a tremendous amount of time assembling what I feel to be the best of the best: many of which have yet to ever [officially] see the light of day. I tried to take a road less traveled: skipping over obvious selections like Can't Get You Out Of My Head and Better The Devil You Know. Here's a run down:

[01] Intro
Taken from Towa Tei's Japanese CD Single for "German Bold Italic" this brief acapella something is the perfect intro for my compilation.

[02] Come Into My World (Ashtrax Mix)
Released commercially alongside the Fischerspooner Remix, on the American Vinyl, a lot of folks overlooked this gem back in 2002. Though I am a HUGE fan of the Fischerspooner Version, this Mix is also splendid, and deserves a bit of attention.

[03] Ruffle My Feathers
Recorded during the sessions for X, a studio recording of this track has yet to surface... until now perhaps. This track was featured live, on her 2008 X Tour.

[04] Getting Closer (UK Mix)
Stepping WAY back in time, the original version of this track appeared exclusively as the B-side on the Swedish 7" to "Locomotion." After leaving PWL, it showed up on The Greatest Remix Hits collection, but it's the previously unreleased UK Mix of this track that I really prefer.

[05] Hand On Your Heart (Heartache Mix)
Vintage Kylie at it's best. "Woah-oh-oh-oh."

[06] Love At First Sight (Ruff & Jam Lounge Mix)
Choosing the best mix of Love At First Sight is no easy task, but this stripped down version is slightly less common, and definitely a favorite of mine.

[07] Confide In Me (The Truth Mix)
Second only to Can't Get You Out Of My Head, Confide In Me has to be one of Kylie's most frequently remixed tracks. Choosing a remix was, again, not so easy: I debated including an officially commissioned remix that was not released (a small flex of Kylie-Obscura Muscle) but ultimately, I though that the Truth Mix would be a great follow up to the "chill" version of LAFS.

[08] Step Back In Time (Harding/Curnow Remix)
Not a huge hit, but always a favorite to me, Step Back In Time embodies early Kylie work: cheesy lyrics and a great beat.

[09] Boombox (JBAG Remix)
Another unused demo from the X sessions, Boombox has proven to be a fan-favorite. Personally, I prefer this JBAG Remix to the LA Riots Mix included on the Boombox Remix Compilation.

[10] GBI (Radio Edit)
An obvious fan of Kylie, and a fan of typography, this track is WAY up there for me. I specifically like this version of the song, as it samples the break from Groove Is In The Heart towards the end.

[11] Sexual Gold (The Slips RMX)
Again, a scrap from X, the Slips remixed this track, and it is making the rounds.

[12] Butterfly (E-Smoove Mix)
Recorded for Light Years, this track got all kind of attention from Chicago DJ (woot woot) Mark Pichotti, who eventually released a single on his Blue Plate label. The track peaked at #5 on America's U.S. Hot Dance Music/Club Play Chart.

[13] What Do I Have to Do? (Movers & Shakers 7" Mix)
Another great Vintage Kylie track: love the video, great song... probably one of my favorite single sleeves as well.

[14] Your Disco Needs You (Almighty Mix)
What really needs to be said about this one? It's Kylie's most epic track ever, and despite the video, is probably my favorite Kylie track ever recorded.

DOWNLOAD JOHNNY LOVES KYLIE HERE

The Show Must Go On

2009-09-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

He anxiously paces the room, taking deep breaths from his cigarette before hastily releasing a cloud of smoke. "Are you sure? It's not too soon? You need more rest..."

"Bullshit" I interrupt, "It's time."

The John-Ryan Mediocrity Tour Extravaganza will make it's return, and ain't nothing gonna stop it this time. There have been a few bumps in the road that caused an unexpected hiatus, but the last leg of my Extravaganza is right around the corner, and I'm excited as FUCK.

I suppose we'll have to change some of the costumes as it's been so long, and I also suppose some of the choreography will get reworked, what with the changes they made to the dance troop, but regardless: it's showtime.

Kylie Goes Bollywood

2009-09-14T22:44:00.000-07:00

Kylie has shot two dance sequences for the expensive Bollywood action movie Blue, an underwater thriller. She is acting along with action star of Bollywood Akshay Kumar in the movie, and though her role is small, she recorded some goodness for the soundtrack.

Check it out here!

Seriously?

2009-09-14T02:39:00.000-07:00

I don't get it: I am no stranger to admiring unusual things, but this mystery I can simply not solve. I just don't GET Lady Gaga. I have built all my tastes around a palette not intended for consumption: my plastic fruit last forever, and I'm convinced it has more flavor... but I think Gaga is ape shit crazy. More baffling, is why I can't seem to find a drop of affection for this train-wreck. Okay... maybe just a drop. Half a drop.

For the first time in a long time, seems like the VMAs were worth watching this year... Janet does Michael... Madonna does (whatever that was)... Kayne acts the damn fool (again) and Gaga bleeds and dies on stage. Weird. Kids these days... fuck.

All this scratching is making me itch...

2009-09-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

A new hair cut for my date on October 7th? I think it is a definite possibility!

JOHNNY SAYS DANCE...

2009-09-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

I have thrown a few of my guilty pleasures together for you on a new mix tape... I'm calling it "Pour Les Pieds" (for the feet) and it's intention is to make you wiggle. Hope you enjoy it.

DOWNLOAD POUR LES PIEDS HERE

Your Helvetica Needs You

2009-08-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed that GAP has been riding the American Apparel coattails? I know that AA didn't invent Helvetica, nor do they have an exclusive relationship, but come on now...

LaToya isn't dead!

2009-07-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows my favorite Jackson is LaToya. Well, since her brother died, she's been a busy girl: revamping her website and her Myspace*, as well as releasing a NEW SINGLE on iTunes. All the proceeds from the sale of the single will go to some AIDS charity for kids. Cool.

Since I'm a nice guy, I won't say anything negative... it's no "Just Wanna Dance," but you should download it if you are curious. Everyone has a spare buck for LaToya. Even I did. All the entertainment she's given me? Please, she gets a buck.

FUCK A BUCK, LISTEN HERE!

*Currently has 2 friends, one of whom is Tom. MYSPACE? Really?!?!

Camp JRG Summer 2009

2009-07-27T09:39:00.003-07:00

I've been a busy boy, but never too busy to share a few hits with my people. All zipped up and ready to be heard: perfect for your pool party, or drinking on the deck. I suppose you can put 'em on a cd, roll the windows down and take a drive. Whatever. Enjoy!

DOWNLOAD CAMP JRG SUMMER 2009 HERE

This is HOT!

2009-07-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Miles Fisher - This Must Be The Place (cover)
by milesfisherofficial

I've been busy. I guess I still am. Lets catch up later... in the mean time, enjoy this AMAZING song/video. I don't know ANYTHING about this cat, but I think I like him. Dig it.

Trouble Baker

2009-07-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Seems like I've been busier than ever! Last week two of my friends got married, and I spent a week in Michigan tanning on the beach, and helping my parents move into their new house. Exciting stuff I know... thus the void in my blog.

Thursday I art directed a photo shoot for a new website I'm working on: Trouble Baker. The idea is kinda a renegade baker's blog and shop: specializing in the celebration of cupcakes. It's pretty cool, and eventually, I will design a few products for her to sell in an online store. I'm currently sorting through the (literally) hundreds of photos we took, and things are looking good. I'll keep you posted.

Nacho Figueras: Smells Like a Douch To Me

2009-06-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

Okay. Enough is enough... I will admit that I'm a bit temperamental lately, and maybe I've been watching too much TV, but this new Polo spot is pushing me over the edge. I'm sure you've seen it: this long haired dude (Nacho Figueras) on a sail boat, a yacht, driving a sports car, playing polo... all while stankin' in the three magnificent aromas of Ralph Lauren. I'm over it. Too much. Take it off the air. It makes me throw up in my mouth everytime I see it. Not only do I hate the RL brand, but I've always am equally enthusiastic for male models names Nacho. Obnoxious.

The party is over

2009-06-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

The balloons no longer float excitedly around the cake, and the confetti has all hit the floor. Ever feel like this? Happy June y'all.

Kylie's Secret Party (TOUS)

2009-06-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

Remember me? I'm print... I still exist, you just have to look for me! Yesterday, while shopping for my Denver trip, I zipped into the TOUS store in the Watertower to check out the new Summer Campaign. I chatted Kylie with the shop-dude for a second, and snatched up the new catalog. I love it. Very cute, very pink. There is also a [very] short film that goes along with the campaign by Ellen von Unsworth, which you should check out right HERE.

Johnny Says Hello

2009-06-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

I went to an AI Alumni thing last night, and had to dig out my personal business cards... and I had totally forgotten how much I like them! I got them through overnightprints.com, and they are perfect! They were also super economical and super fast. Gotta love them!

www.overnightprints.com

Friendly Fires is Amazing!

2009-05-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

2009 is shit, I won't try to dance around that, but here's a little something to make if less shittier: Friendly Fires! I picked up the self-titled debut recently, and it's completely amazing! Imagine a more youthful and crisper version of Beck's Midnight Vultures. Maybe not as many "beeps" and "bops," but definitely that same kind of uninhibited dance energy.

My favorite song on the LP is "Skeleton Boy," generously offering up clever lyrics

"I take it that we're over
Should we even care at all?
Too much, too much
Let's shake hands and say goodbye..."

Perhaps not poetic genius, but I've always been impartial to "goodbye to you" dance songs.

"Lovesick" and "Paris" are also delightful, making me rather furious that I found out about them a week after their Chicago Double Door show... a trend I can't seem to break. Check out their website, wearefriendlyfires.com, and keep your eyes peeled for them in Chicago, later this summer, at Lalapalooza.

"No, I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool."

2009-05-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

A melancholy Wednesday turns extraordinary when, after being forced into a Flat Top lunch against my will, I realize I am sitting across from Laurence Tureaud, better known as Mr. T.

After debating weather or not I should harass him, I decided to ask him for a photo. He gracefully obliged, telling me that he was glad to pose for a photo, and would have wondered what was wrong with me if I hadn't asked for one.

It's the little things that make life interesting. Mr. T is one cool motha. And that's that.

"No One's As Old School As Me!" Peaches, live at the Metro

2009-05-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I was a little late to jump on the Peaches bus, but when I got my filthy hands on 2006's "Impeach My Bush," I knew it was love. Three years later, and pulsating with gelatinous gobs of electro-dance goodness, "I Feel Cream" unveils a 40-year-old Peaches still fully in command of some of the filthiest and greatest music of the year: all to be experienced live in the flesh, at Chicago's Metro Theater.

There was two opening acts for Ms. Peaches: the first of which was Evil Beaver, an unbearable hours or so of screaming from a woman far to old to be out in just her underwear. The second opener Drums of Death, is a London based electronic artist originally from Scotland, signed to the Hot Chip-affiliated Greco-Roman label. I recommend you peep his website! drumsofdeath.com

Ms. Peaches begins her set with "Showstopper," making her way on stage dressed in the first of many bold, outrageous costumes and a bondage mast to boot. It isn't long before she is crowd surfing, as she continues her was through the set list, strongly representing her new album. Definite highlights include "Mud" (perhaps, my favorite song off "Cream"), "Shake Yer Dix", "Lose You", "Mommy Complex" and of course, "Fuck The Pain Away."

She came out for two encores, ending the night with "Take You On" and "Relax." The show was completely amazing, and may very well be one of the best concerts I've ever attended. Peaches will be on tour in the States through June, and then she is onto Europe until fall.

The Tramp and The Tranny

2009-05-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

A dark haired tranny with a thick Russian accent is chatting up Melinda outside the bar. "You are beautiful" she tells me. "I know, but thank you," I reply, urging Melinda to abandon her awkward conversation and leave with me. The tranny ask me for my name and I tell her it's Geoff. The tranny turns back to Melinda, and announces "my sister is lesbian. Just like you."

As the two make the eachother's acquaintance, a tramp walks up to the three of us and tells us that she is raising money for a charity walk. The event is a 2-day fundraiser for cancer research, and any donation, small or large would be extremely helpful and appriaciated. The tramp has wild hair, dirty clothes and slurred speech: I suspect a product of the missing teeth I notice as she carefully recited her practiced lines, and the fact that she's probably just as drunk as I am. My favorite part of the entire thing is that, at 4:15 in the morning, she is trying to convince people she is collecting money for a legitimate cause. She is holding a 3 ring binder with information regarding the Avon Walk, but when I take a closer look, I see that the wrinkled pages reveal that the walk took place in 2006.

When asked for money, the tranny looks at the tramp and very convincingly tells her "I already gave you money last week. I gave you $10.00, I sponsored you. You can't remember me? I can't believe you!" The tramp assures the tranny that she does indeed remember her, and scurries away into the rainy night.

The tranny tells Melinda and I that she is psychic. She guessed at Melinda's birthday several times before correctly identifying the month. "Rainy month. I see the number four..."

"It's in May. Jesus. Melinda, lets go."

"The tranny turns to me, frustrated, and says "I can tell you are leo."

Precious: Dexter Morgan!

2009-05-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

A 7-inch plastic version of Dexter Morgan can be yours thanks to the Showtime website! Usually, I am not a fan, at all, of TV and movie "toys" so to speak, but this one is precious! He comes with a little knife as well as a garbage bag. Apparently, the arms swap out to a short-sleeved version to wear with his Miami Metro laminate when he’s on the job.

“We’ve designed him so that he’ll be blood spatter expert by day, and vigilante by night..." says Bif Bang Pow! founder Jason Lenzi.

Breathe, it won't be long now.

2009-05-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning I caught wind that Miss Kylie would be kicking off her first ever North American tour, and had a mini-stroke. The tour kicks off in California in September, and she will make her way over to Chicago on the beginning of October!

Thanks to some crafty research and some pre-sale codes, I was able to secure my tickets well over a week before the seats go on sale to the general public! I am going to see her in Chicago at the Congress Theatre, and then a few days later, I'm flying to New York, where I will catch the show at the Hammerstein Ballroom.

I played with the idea of heading to Toronto for that show as well, but that seems a bit much... and Toronto seemed to sell out before I could make up my mind. We shall see... I guess they added a second night in New York, so maybe they will do the same with Chicago. If they do, I guess I will HAVE to go to both. Is that obsessive? Yeah... probably. Whatever.

It's Britney, Bitch!

2009-04-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

I've always had a soft spot for Britney Spears. Maybe it is because I cut my own hair like her and don't wear underwear either, but I think she's fascinating. I'm not always smitten by her music, but I an mysteriously drawn to her... lets just say lifestyle.

When I caught wind of "The Circus Starring Britney Spears" coming to town, I knew I had to be ringside. A little bit of research and a few Craigslist ads later, I've got my golden ticket for a mere fraction of the face value.

The show was at Allstate Arena. The building is all kinds of old, and more importantly, quite the hike from Downtown Chicago. I take the blue line to Rosemount, where I catch a special shuttle to the arena. Let me say this: I've been in the presence of ALL kinds of music fans... and until last night, I would have said that Barenaked Ladies fans get the most on my nerves... but that was before I am delighted with a 300 pound black tranny with hot pink hair and matching eyelashes wearing a tutu dancing and singing "I'm a Slave for You" on a crowded bus. He was from LA, and he models I overhear him tell two young girls from Troy, Michigan. Right. Models what exactly?

When I get to the arena, I am surprised how small it is, and how poorly traffic is moving. Although the esthetics of the building and it's parking lot may be disappointing, I am delighted by the hordes of people who have taken the time to dress themselves in their favorite Britney costume: there is the vintage airline stewardess from "Toxic", a woman doing her best to iconicize the MTV appearance where Brit Brit mimed with a big snake on her shoulders... and of course, the classic, and seemingly favorite to the transgendered, the school girl from "One More Time." A circus, indeed.

The opening act are The Pussy Cat Dolls. I don't know squat about them, and have enough pop trash in my life, so I hear them out for "Don't Cha" and then I find the drinks. The opening act goes on for quite some time, and it's well over an hour later before they retreat, clearing the stage for Miss Spears. Did I mention this tour has a circus theme? Oh, well, I hope you didn't forget, because the next 30 minutes are devoted to clowns, juggling, and hulahoops. I get it, you gotta throw something in there for the kids, but it started to drag a bit.

Finally, after what seems like another 3 beers, a hybrid hotel bell cart/birdcage is lowered from the top of the Arena... and Britney is inside. Two girls over, a heavy-set preteen starts to cry. She opens with "Circus," which makes sense, but in my naivety, I was expecting something more know, like maybe "Gimme More."

She is several songs in when someone comes to the edge of the stage and hands her a new, special microphone: "Hey Chicago." For the first time this evening, we are hearing a live Britney Spears. She sits on a large collapsed umbrella and sings that slow song that has the bathtub video. A Bollywood version of "Me Against The Music" is pretty entertaining, mostly because she is dressed very much like Jasmine from the Disney movie Aladdin.

According to Wikipedia, we are now headed into act three: Freakshow/Peepshow, which kicks off with the best projection/video segment of the entire show, a pre-recorded music video for "Sweet Dreams." Perhaps a nod to Marilyn Manson, this song is super stripped down and has a pretty sexy video. Imagine a really long European mens underwear commercial with leather Venetian Masquerade Masks.

The music is getting a little too new for me now, but the stage schnanagins keep my attention: projections of mounded deer heads, antique furniture lowered from the roof, grinders throwing sparks all over the place... people come and leave the stage all via dropping from roof. It starts to get old. We need a hit Brit, this isn't cutting it.

Act four ("Electro Circ") saved the show with a revisited version of "Slave"; the beat is mad different, but the panting is still very much there... phew! That's all I needed. Fire shoots out of center of the stage... there is a lot going on right now, so I forgive her as she forgets to move her mouth at some points... it must be so confusing up there. Mama needs a cigarette break. Mama gets one, but not before delivering heavily choreographed versions of "Toxic" and "One More Time" and apparently, being cut in half: a magic trick I miss, due to the fact that unlike other arena shows I've been to, they aren't projecting any live video onto larger screens. I suspect this is a trick to help mask the fact that she isn't singing anything live.

The circus has ended, and the fats and olds quickly escape; in a futile attempt to beat the crowds that will form as the show ends. Their premature departure may save them a few moments of traffic, but it comes at a heavy cost: they are going to miss the encore, "Womanizer", as well as the other four sentences of live speaking Ms. Spears will grace us with. For the final song, Britney is dressed like a slutty copy, and wearing aviator sunglasses. She prances about with a nightstick and delights everyone.

I leave the arena with no more and no less respect for Britney than I came with. She put on a solid C+ show; which I would easily give higher marks for if she sang live. She is what she is; pop puppetry at its best.

Back on the train, which is now packed with sweaty excited teens, I overhear a hispanic man with teardrops tattooed on his face, tell his friend he is fresh out of jail for a misdemeanor possession charge. "This train is like... full of gays."

Johnny Says Haiku

2009-04-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Once alive but now dead
Empty like before we had met
Forsaken old home

On Friday I made an impromptu visit to my old office... seeing the ruins I left, as I escaped into the night. Eire, and abandoned, there stood my cube. Old relics still evident from my occupancy... A "Strangers With Candy" movie poster. Red and green Christmas garland draped about. A collector's can of Indiana Jones branded Dr. Pepper. My boombox. It all reminded me of the the destroyed yellow-brick-road in "Return to Oz."

No Photos Please!

2009-04-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

So, today I was walking to the gym, as I do every Sunday at about 11:00... and, much to my horror, I see a cab stopped on the bridge in front of the NE entrance to Union Station with a squirming body beneath the hood.

The body was trapped head-first beneath a car, and seemed to be slightly alive. The legs were kicking and moving around... more so than I would expect to see in the final spasms of rigor mortis. One shoe was on, and the other was on the far side of the bridge. There was an ambulance and a police man directing cars away from the mishap.

Fine. Someone got ran over. Kinda gross, kinda sad... I make myself feel better by imagining it was just a homeless and continue on my way. I don't stop to help, because I can not, and I don't stop to stair, because it's disgusting.

What is REALLY disgusting, is the fact that looking onto this mess are about 40 people... many of whom have digital cameras, iPhones and Blackberries: all taking photos and videos. Some people are even laughing. I am a filthy mess of a person, with a disgusting sense of humor, but I don't find this funny. Not one bit.

More horrifying still, is that fact that I have a VERY REAL fear of being decapitated in a car accident... which only gets worse, when now, I imagine herds of curious onlookers posting photos and videos of my head onto YouTube™ as it shoots out the windshield, and rolls across the street. People are so disappointing. Fucking sick.

Holy Jesus. Bruno Movie!

2009-04-15T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been waiting for this a while, but seems like it paid off: today I saw my first peek at the Bruno movie. The red bar trailer looks AMAZING, and I can not wait to see it. This will be great! I especially like it when he calls the baby OJ. I guess NMB has been taking down all the trailers off YouTube, but as of now, this link below should should work.

Check it out!

Je suis l'art... Again

2009-04-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

It has come to me! Like the Angel Gabriel delivering a Domino's pizza to a very drunk Mary at 2:30 in the morning: I feel the need to indulge in a new project of creative self-expression that no one will pay any attention to. I won't go into great detail, but rest assured, I've been re-inspired, and whomever cares to drink the creative juice I shall weep, get your blessed goblets ready.

"Brave" New Stank

2009-04-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

Always a sucka for great packaging, I find myself excited about the new DIESEL stench, "Only The Brave." The new man-fragrance was developed by a creative team of three perfumers from International Flavors and Fragrances (IFF): Aliénor Massenet, Olivier Polge and Pierre Wargnye. Of course, this means nothing to me. I gave it a whiff, and can honestly say, I like it. Watch DIESEL stock shoot through the roof with a public endorsement from yours truly. Ha.

The ad campaign was photographed by British photographer Platon and features model Tony Ward. This does nothing for me. The ads suck pretty bad. I think a stronger campaign would have showcased dramatic product photography, but again, what do I know?

Umbrella Etiquette

2009-04-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

I would like to state, right off the top, that I do not endorse umbrellas. I am not afraid of being wet and I don't care for lugging things around. I find that most umbrellas are clumsy, cheap, and far too large. That said, sometimes travel in the rain is inevitable, and you must adorn these modern parasols.

People are often oblivious to the physical space they occupy. Specifically in regards to accessorizing, one must be cognizant of this space. Maybe I am sensitive to this, but if you are a fattie, you know how much space you take up, and make sure not to get in anyone's way. You are not due any extra amount of space, and I believe the same to be true when holding a large designer purse, a stack of two-by-fours, or an umbrella.

For umbrella users:

I. Please be mindful of who may be standing nearby when opening your umbrella. Open it with care, noticing whether your umbrella will poke someone.

II. For a taller person, when you encounter another person using an umbrella, raise your umbrella up so a shorter person may pass by without colliding with your umbrella.

III. Be sensitive to how the metal or plastic points sticking out at every fold may poke someone in the body or, worse, in the eye.

As annoying as umbrellas are to me: the pokes, the drips, the rubbing up against, there is one great benefit to a rainy day in Chicago: shortly after rush hour, any given trash can in the loop will have at least one discarded umbrella inside her. Her limbs broken, her skins torn, or her retracting device faulty: no longer serving their purpose and forsaken by their dewy master.

Afternoon Delight

2009-04-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spent the afternoon in Wicker Park with my brother Alex today. We both made out like bandits: filling up our satchels with MAD bounty. Then, of course, we rewarded ourselves with a feast of Pizza and Beer. Shopping, gabbing and of course, staying hydrated; birds of a feather.

April's Fool

2009-04-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

I skipped March because it was a horrible month, but April is here now and I've got some fresh new beats for you listening enjoyment. I decided to hold off on a digital-mix, as I felt my cropping skills needed some exercise. Here she is: "April's Fool." It has exciting new tunes from old favorites like Calvin Harris, Tiga, Röyksopp, and some new faces I'm starting to like: Kish Mauve, Friendly Faces... and so on. Give me a shout with your address, and I'll throw one in the mail for you.

Thanks, it's a Versace: Two valuable lessons

2009-03-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

In my short but sorted life, I have learned many valuable things. Tonight, I will share two of them. The first, is that ugly people make ugly babies. The mechanics of this I do not care to, nor can I properly explain, but realize: one who does not poses beauty, is highly unlikely to pass it along when making children.

The second lesson, is an acknowledgement that people who spend great amounts of money, or perhaps even moderate amounts of money, do not appreciate the blatant disregard for their possessions. Specifically insulting, is the misinterpretation of ones luxury items for those items more common. These misconstruing comments can be expressed for items and actions both small and large. Take for example, a woman's haircut:

"Oh darling! Your new hairstyle looks beautiful. Did you have it colored and dyed at the Hair Cuttery?"

This comment, though seemingly complementary, is highly insulting. Is one to presume that the darling in question is only capable of having her hairs cut in a chain hair shop that doesn't accept appointments? Let me illustrate my point with another fictitious example:

"Oh John-Ryan. Your apartment is so glamourous! I imagine you really enjoy watching the sunsets on your faux leather couch."

Again, a complementary comment is laced with both negative and hateful statements. Are you assuming that my leather couch is not made from real animal hide? Do you think that after choosing a comfortable apartment twenty-eight stories in the sky, I decided to cut costs, and fill it with synthetic furnishings? Would it not be wiser to assume the more costly end of the spectrum when throwing out values that do not concern you?

"Your new hairstyle is so glamourous! You must have paid a fortune at a very exclusive salon!"

Doesn't that sit a little better with the darling? Maybe even suggest that a salon so fine would have been very difficult to become admitted into. This darling must really be someone special.

"Your fine leather couch is a perfect spot to watch the sunsets."

Again, I illustrate that praise is more flattering that insult. Even if the couch in subject is make from hideous recycled plastics, perhaps it would be better to refer to it as a fine leather couch.

Goodnight.

Addictive Tendencies

2009-03-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

It's seems as though my addictive tendencies are getting the best of me again; last year I suffered a tremendous addiction to Law and Order, Special Victims Unit, but I've seemingly relapsed, and my new drug of choice is The Tudors. I've started a wild affair with it after being offered a sample from my cable box. Isn't that what they warn you about in primary school? The scary high school boy giving you that one cigarette that will be your gateway into a lifetime of drug abuse and subsequent prostitution? I should have know better, but let curiosity get the best of me. Now I frantically pace the room, anxiously tapping my arm. No time to play around. I bought seasons one and two today. They will be gone by Monday. You have to make time to take time. Don't worry about it.

It seems as though Showtime is the new HBO. I suppose everyone else knows this but me, but I've never been on the forefront of luxury television consumption. I've just recently survived an overdose of "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" (season one gone in a matter of hours) and of course, Dexter holds a wild card in my schedule. Entire days were once spent consuming seasons of Six Feet Under, and I fear I'm headed back to that place.

One of every eight Americans has a significant problem with alcohol or drugs. This week, I have a problem with premium cable shows.

Johnn on Religion... sort of.

2009-03-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

For the first time in [god only know] I went to Church today... on my own will. Those of you who know me, will attest to my infatuation of Televangelism and what some call "The Electric Church." I subsequently developed a soft-spot in my heart for Tammy Faye. Some time ago, I learned that her son Jay Bakker had his own reality show on Sundance called "One Punk Under God." Long story short, Jay founded a Church called Revolution, and it operates out of a bar in Brooklyn. I had to go.

The space was very intimate, and for the first time, I attended a worship while drinking a Peroni. I won't launch into a huge deal about religion, so don't expect it, but I will say that I had a damn good time. Jay wasn't there today (which admitedly, was a little bit of a let down) but Vince Anderson ran the show, and it was really good. Uplifting, encouraging, and just a cool thing to have been a part of. If you are interested, check out their site: www.revolutionnyc.com

Stopping in for a Drink

2009-03-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

When I visited my friend Laura in Denver, she had just recently moved to Colorado. Having minimal contact with the people indigenous to the area, she didn't know of good bars or interesting places to patronize. It was then that I invented the rule that when traveling in a new town, it is necessary to force yourself into 2 new bars a night. For most people perhaps, this is not a daunting task. For someone as antisocial as myself, it can be exhausting. But, none the less, I forced myself into trying 2 new bars last night.

It is different when you walk into a new bar with friends. If it is trashy, you can laugh at it with others. If you are underdressed, chances are your friend is as well. You can both leave after one drink and laugh about how pretentious the place was. Worst case scenario, you enter the bar, its totally gross and you both leave. No big deal.

When you are flying solo, its a slightly different situation... at least for me. I apprehensively enter the establishment, unsure of the seating arrangement. After taking my position at the bar (making sure to not sit too close or too far away from anyone) I try your best to read what is on tap. I don't like to wear my glasses at night, because they are confusing for me to use. The remainder of the evening is spent either watching the college basketball game, or discussing Venezuelan Politics: neither one of my fortes. I can't say I didn't enjoy watching the woman next me nervously checking her brackets, but overall, I would rate my performance in solo-freestyle-public-drinking-situations below average.

Peep This!

2009-03-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

You can see (almost) all my New York photos on my Flickr account:
www.flickr.com/photos/johnnysaysrelax/

Walking further...

2009-03-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

Next, I head down to Battery Park, walking along the water. I know it's silly, but I like to come here and see things. Most people head to the park to see the Statue of Liberty, where as I like to watch the vendors and street performers. Today was not going well for me in this regard. The majority of vendors were either portrait artists or selling photos of the city. Among the many shots of the Statue, Empire State Building, Brooklyn Bridge and other noteworthy monuments were autographed photos of the Jonas Brothers. Not just one vendor, but ALL of them were selling these pre-print signed Jonas Brothers photos. Crazy.

Imagine my bliss when I spotted Spider Man. I don't usually fall for this kind of spectacle, but the way he so unapologetically held his "Spidey" poses actually made me laugh. The kids loved him.

Walked back through China Town: which almost gave me a panic attack. I get that people like paying less for designer perfume; and a Gucci purse is as real as your sorority sisters think it is, but SERIOUSLY: these streets were so crowded and narrow. It took me about 30 mins to walk just a short distance. Jesus Christ Almighty. A few bootleg and watch vendors, but really, there was nothing here for me.

Goodmorning, Sunshine.

2009-03-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

My second day in New York starts early with a quest for coffee. Since I am on vacation in a foreign land, I forbid myself to patronize Starbucks in hopes of discovering an interesting new place.

The Village is quiet this morning, which just a few parents pushing strollers, men walking dogs, and lovers making their way back home. I happen upon a little Cafe that seemed promising, and ordered a coffee.

Heading further South and East, I make my way to a Farmers Market where the usual veggies and breads are being sold, but actually saw some interesting photography (a guy who took some really gritty photos in the 60's) and some cool earthy t-shirts: http://www.blacksheepheap.com.

I wander away the rest of the morning, my path being determined by interesting billboards, photo opportunities, record stores and coffee shops. I had a great lunch at a Thai place called Spice: the meal and appetizer totaled under $10.

From here I decided to head south an check Soho and TriBeCa. SoHo was cool, lots of shops and excitiement. People were gushing out of the streets and it seemed the people here were either really young and cool, or really rich. Or Both.Tribeca, I didn't get my hands on really. Unless I did it wrong, I really didn't understand what made it so great, and though it lacked personality. I must be crazy, as Forbes magazine ranked the 10013 zip code in TriBeCa as the 12th most expensive zip code in the United States in 2006.

Johnny, meet Jane.

2009-03-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

Buit in 1907, The Jane Hotel was originally titled The Seaman's Institute: a hotel for visiting sailors and "seamen in distress." A beacon, then in place atop the octagonal tower, plays a role in the traditional tale of the arrival of the Titanic survivors at the hotel in 1912. Apparently, they stashed them here after there little mishap. In 1946 it became the Jane-West Hotel after being owned for a couple decades by the YMCA. In 2009, on March 20th, John-Ryan checks in.

Quote the official hotel's website... "During the ‘80s and ‘90s, the hotel was part of downtown New York’s bohemian culture, hosting Hedwig and the Angry Inch and the Million Dollar Club, amongst many other rock-n-roll events. The hotel has continued to house guests with more dash than cash ever since."

The rooms are cozily design to reflect the space one may similarly obtain if they were to stow themselves away a luxury liner (in 3rd class) in the early 1900's. Old but cute... tight but cozy, The Jane is where I hang my metaphorical hat for the coming nights.

JRG dans la NYC

2009-03-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

My Mediocrity Extravaganza Tour kicked off this morning, and I have successfully made it to my first gig: New York City. I took off from Chicago before the dawn could even think about cracking, so much of this fine day is still mine.

On the flight, there was a rather homely couple with two ginger kids. The woman was preggo with a third, and collectively, the 4.5 humans were very loud for a 6:00 flight. The youngest ginger-snap was screaming for "more chips" and everytime I managed to fall asleep, I would be jarred back to wake by her father, hollering at her. When we landed, the mother decided that this girl, who apparently is old enough to eat chips, needed to be breast-fead. Why this couldn't wait 10 minutes until she was in the airport, is beyond me. A better question could be (and forgive me, but I do not know these things) why is a child old enough to eat chips still being breastfed?

Since my hotel check-in isn't until 3:00, I decided to kill a little time in Time Square: getting the ticker-tape out of the way first thing. The weather is freezing cold, and the streets are crowded. I'm glad I added gloves to extensive backpack of costumes last night.

I had read online that they were closing the Virgin Megastore, so I zipped in to see what was going on. It was mayhem. With just 10 days of operation left, the store was in much disarray, and the sections of Vinyl and CDs that I usually shop were completely obliterated.

"Goodbye sweet friend, we had a good time together."

My hotel is in Greenwich Village, so I decide to head that way on foot. A few blocks in, I'm hit in the face with a door to Jamba Juice being dramatically swung open. Schocked, I apologize. A large black tranny carrying a huge Louis Vuitton purse and wearing black go-go boots apologizes, and asks me if I'm okay. I am. I think.

Vision Quest

2009-03-19T14:35:00.001-07:00

In many cultures, young men who are coming of age venture out into the wilderness in a quest to find themselves. During this rite of passage one leaves alone into the wilderness intended to find spiritual enlightenment. Being that I was raised Catholic, my coming-of-age-adventure consisted of a weekend stay in what could best be compared with low-income housing: a small cabin in the woods with an odd dozen other Catholic boys, singing along with Christian recordings and sitting on plastic lawn furniture in the woods pretending to pray. Maybe I was praying. I am not sure. Needless to say, 2 sunsets later, I returned to the comforts of the modern world without as much as a god-damned spirit animal.

Fast-forward a decade, and I'm an adult. Life is pretty damn good, but as of late, I can't help but feel that I am knee-deep in man-troubles. As I try to list my woes, I realize that outside of my career being in a career in a tail-spin, my life is perfectly fine. I have a great family, great relationship, great haircut, great apartment, and even a few great friends. Maybe I just have a case of the serious blahs. If I planned on dying at 54 I'd say that this is just a mid-life-crisus, but I don't need hair plugs, and I'm certainly not buying a Lamborghini any time soon.

I spoke to my older brother about all this, and he suggested a trip. When the going gets tuff, the tuff get going, right? So off I go. Johnny's Mediocrity Tour Extravaganza kicks off this Friday: first stop New York City for some much needed revitalizing. A few days of excitement and exploration in a city that still intimidates me should shake things up a bit. My goal is to get a deep, much needed, breath of fresh air... perhaps find a bit of professional and personal inspiration, try a few new bars, take some photos, and maybe find that damn spirit animal.

Póg mo thóin!

2009-03-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Well, St. Patty's day has finally drawn to a close. Though technically, it is just one day, Chicago takes the "season" rather seriously. Since Saturday the streets have been filled with would-be Irishmen sporting large leprecon hats, green boas, clover-antlers, green graphic tee's and things of this persuasion. The whole thing kicks off when Chicago dies the river green... or maybe I should say, makes the river greener.

Don't get the wrong idea: I'm actually 25% Irish... maybe more: we'd know for sure if I could track down my real mother. Maybe I'm just a party-pooper, but I find 4 days a WEE bit much.

2009: The Best Hits... so far!

2009-03-10T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, 2009 and I are not getting along too well, but she has given me quite a bit of good new music. Here's a bit of what I'm liking right now:

1) "Chelsea Rogers" by Prince
This song has been haunting me lately: at first I didn't know what it was, as it kept coming on in the background as I attempted to go about my life. The first time I heard it was at Nordstrom, and I thought it was "Chelsea Rodham" which was hilarious to me. Anyhow, I can't get enough of this one. It's great.

2) "Intentions" by The Whitest Boy Alive
I got the Whitest Boy album "Rules" last week, and I can't stop playing it. This one is the best track.

3) "I'm Not Alone" by Calvin Harris
So, I technically don't love this track, but I have a rather large man-crush on Calvin Harris, and I may be going to a DJ Set he's having later in the month, so I have this on heavy rotation in hopes of some serious affection developing.

4) "Shoes" by Tiga
Tiga is sick/amazing/talented. I crapped myself when I got word of his new album "Ciao!" on it's way out this spring. "Shoes" is the lead single, and is completely ridiculous... I love it... Not just a little either. It's produced by Soulwax, so you know it's good.

5) "F**** 'Em All" by Mickey Avalon
I've always been impartial to trash, and that's probably why I have such a strong affection for Mickey and the Dyslexic Speedreaders. I played the fuck right out of my Mickey album, so it was about time he put out something new. It's not brilliant, but it gives me my fix for a second. My favorite bit is "Riddle me this little bitches... The Av's on the market for a mistress" What can I say... I have a soft spot in my heart for all things filthy.

Pizza Pizza Pizza!

2009-03-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

I was jumping on the North & Clybourn Red Line, when something caught my eye: a fucking gigantic piece of pizza! I have been around the block with pizza, believe you me, but I have NEVER seen such a large slice! Of course, I stopped and tried it out... which was surprisingly cheap: $5.00 for the mega-slice and a soda... mind you, the soda comes in a Styrofoam cup (booo! We don't like that, do we?!) but it is an unbeatable deal! You can choose from like 4 different topping combinations (cheese, pepperoni, supreme, whatever...) and to top it all off, the pie if pretty good. Great find! Check out Pizza Ria!

The Cheater

2009-03-07T06:20:00.000-08:00

There's a man who works at a bank on Michigan Avenue, just north of Grand; he's having an affair. I don't know that I could scientifically prove this, but I just know... a man just knows these kind of things. He was dressed in a black pinstriped suit, and was wearing a pink tie. I was him first this afternoon at Marshalls Discount Store sifting through home accessories with his mistress and singing along to "Will I Ever See You Again" by Lenny Kravitz. They flirted and froliced the way that only two who were not living together could do. He was trying to be cute with her and she laughed away as she rummaged through pots, pans, vases and slightly disfigured candles.

Later, when I went to the bank to make a deposit, I saw the man again. He was chewing gum. This time much more sober, wedding ring on hand, confidently entertaining his coworkers in an unused conference room with glass doors.

Confinyl

2009-03-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

Very excited: after years of searching, I finally found a bargain on Kylie's 1994 deconstruction album on vinyl. Mint condition. I am very pleased.

Got it? FLAUNT it?

2009-02-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

Another mundane day comes and goes with just one twinkle of excitement to be distilled from the countless minutes of stagnation. My new subscription to my favorite magazine, FLAUNT has arrived.

Some say print is dead, but to those, I say you are dead to me. For years, I have admired this publication: with it's dual covers and decadent accessorizing: I believe that it was the 6th anniversary issue that was packaged with a small packet of sand...

Peep issue #101 of FLAUNT: Torn cover. Simple. Clever. Appreciated. Merci beaucoup.

love me, love me

2009-02-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it's no fancy box of chocolates, and it's certainly no stuffed teddy bear from Walgreens, but I got you a little something. Because I love you...

Check out my melancholie tip of the hat to what can be the loneliest day of the year... February 14th.

https://rcpt.yousendit.com/652451120/31520dfd7233828fe7615a99bd023470

Winter Loosens Her Icy Grip

2009-02-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

How boring are you when you blog about the weather? Well, I'm admitedly one of the world's most boring people, so I have nothing to loose, eh?

Today I cracked open the windows and did a bit of atmospheric exchange. It felt good to release all the old air trapped in my apartment... along with it, I also hope to have expelled the misfortune and negativity harbored in this piece. Be gone January: bring me a new month!

Coolest Vinyl Ever... for now!

2009-01-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

Just bought one of my favorite songs, "I Got You" on vinyl! It's off the Split Enz album "True Colors." Best part, the disc is Laser Etched. It's the first one of these I've even seen actually... hold it to the light, and it's rainbow bright like crazy. All these laser etched holograms lines and cool designs in the black vinyl. Amazing. The pic I took doesn't really do it justice, but you can imagine, perhaps.

Johnny Says Fuck January

2009-01-29T23:29:00.000-08:00

A January mix is up for you to check out: some great new music from Scissor Sisters, Royksopp and The Twelves, as well as some older stuff that seems right for now. Oh, and a obscure Calvin Harris track to keep you busy till he does something new. Check it out...

https://www.yousendit.com/download/WnBRbGtGeWFCMTUzZUE9PQ

I am NOT the Photoshit!

2009-01-29T15:18:00.000-08:00

Many moons ago, a very wise Art Director was praising me for my great work, retouching luxurious things for a magazine I worked at... and dubbed me the "Photoshit."

Now, years later, I'm taking this ridiculous skill-set test online, as part of my temp-agency placement or whatever, and I am finding it hard as fuck! Who knows ALL the buttons? Who ever uses ALL the buttons. To make matters worse, the whole test is timed... tick-tock, tick-tock. I can tell you this: I know the good stuff: making photos b/w, removing acme, and airbrushing the sweat out of armpits... and of course, putting Kathleen's face onto a Sasquatch... then a seal...

Christ. I'm an hour in, and I've completed the tests for Photoshop, as well as InDesign. Next up is Illustrator (ahhh!) and Quark.

Things To Remember Should You Become Unemployed

2009-01-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Given the state of our current economy, its not unlikely that you are either unemployed, or going to be soon. On my fourteenth day of of being without a job, I have prepared a check list of "Dos" and "Do Nots" when it comes to this shame-filled lifestyle.

Avoid X-Coworkers At All Costs
Although these former associates are the most likely to pay for your drinks or dinners during a social outing, they are also least likely to sympathize with you! Although they will seem to be sympathetically listening to your tales of hardship, more than likely they will quickly turn conversation back to themselves. You will find it hard to get many words in before they start bitching about their increased work load since your expulsion, and before you know it, they will turn your being laid-off into a story about how they are worried they are the next to go.

Under-dress, Don't Try To Impress
When you do go out, choose your clothes wisely: no one is going to take your Gucci purse or your Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses seriously anymore: they all know that you couldn't afford them in the first place, let alone now. Dress more conservatively, making sure to not have any name brands visible.

In Emergency, Break Glass
During these hard times, you may start to be consumed with an overwhelming sense of panic: this is completely fine: embrace it! You damn well should feel panicked... your entire world has been turned upside down, so don't feel bad if you get a little crazy! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Retail Therapy Is a No No
Sometimes, in times of hardship, its one's natural instinct to drowned their sorrows by shopping their brains out, or purchasing a few expensive trinkets to help cheer themselves up. Don't be ridiculous: you don't have a job for christ sake! The only thing should be buying is copious amounts of non-perishable groceries, and pain killers, because your insurance will run out soon.

Multiple Dates
Undoubtedly, in the days following your lay-off, you will have a handful of friends who will want to take you out for drinks or dinner. This may be one of most important things I teach you, so pay close attention! Never, under any circumstance, meet with all these friends at once! It may seem easier to just tell your story once and see all your friends in one large gathering, but that means that you are only getting one meal paid for. If you are smart, you will go out as many times as possible, maximizing your free dinners.

Become a Story-teller
As well as giving you an opportunity to maximize your free dinners, these multiple gatherings will also give you time to perfect your story. When telling it make sure to pay close attention to the parts that your audience seems most saddened by. By the time you are done reaping the well-deserved culinary compensation, you should be able to tell your story in less than 5 minutes, and have your listeners all shook up, if not in tears.

Take It To Go
Another important thing to remember when going out for dinner with friends is that this is the exact kind of event that you will have to be cutting from your budget! Make sure you appreciate these fine foods while you can: because it's going to be a long winter of pasta and beans for you! Another great trick to think about is filling up on cheap carbs prior to going out (a great, cheap option is Ramen Noodles). This way, you will just pick at the food you order with your friend (helping to add to your depressed credibility) as well as providing you with a delicious breakfast to eat the next day, when you wake your sorry ass up at 11:00 am to watch your soap operas.

[I'm] Gonna Get Rocked!

2009-01-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

Bonus points to whom-ever can recognize the title of this post... it's actually a song title from 1988. Whatever. You probably shouldn't know what I'm talking about.

Today I got word that LaToya Jackson is a member on Celebrity Big Brother 6 in the UK. How this escaped me until now, I have no idea*... Curious, anxious, excited... I can not wait to watch this mess.

I peeped a bit on YouTube and it looks like she's in great company: Coolio, a bunch of who-evers from the UK and that little troll from Austin Powers Verne Troyer. Give this to me immediately! I will absorb this brilliance and report back as soon as I can gather myself.

*Perhaps, it's due to the fact that her official website, www.latoyaonline.com, which I am no stranger to, has not been updated since February 18. 2007, when she was still a cast member on the failed reality show "Armed and Famous." (A show where the state of Indiana allowed her to become a law enforcement officer, use a gun, and encouraged her to release her single "I Don't Play That..." which failed to crack the Billboard Hot 100.)

johnryangriggs.com (Version 4.0)

2009-01-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

Well... after months of putting it off, I finally finished my website. Again. The final product is nothing like the sketches or sample screens I created light years ago, but generally speaking, I am pleased with the outcome. A few things I need to address are the slowness of the background pages loading, adding my video work, linking up the webpages I've worked on to the thumbnails... and I'm sure that there are typos littered through the entire thing.

Whatever. Bottom line is, its up, and it has got so new goodies on it. I think I will call it good until I get enough courage to build the site of my dreams in flash. We'll see when that happens. Check it out...

johnryangriggs.com

Ring-a-ding-dinging in the New Year

2009-01-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

A new year is upon us: a new year filled with new expectations and standards to strive for. What kinds of adventure and excitement await me? I nervously make my way to my kitchen, where there is one fortune cookie left from my party last night. This is it: the moment of truth... I have saved this one for just this reason: a cookie crystal ball waiting to unveil my fate as 2009 will have it...

"You have a good personality, and a lot of charm." I knew that, thank you, but how is this a fortune?

My new year was rang in through a series of drinks shared with great friends, new and old, almost all of them whom I am quite thankful for. We began with a few beverages at my apartment downtown, where we enjoyed the feasts of the Chinese and I drank my body weight in Miller High LIfe and actual Champagne. From there, we head north to Berlin where we await the magic that is Leslie Hall.

The ball drops at midnight, and she rises from below the stage. Into a sea of fog is born the self-proclaimed Internet Diva. She razzles, dazzles and vibrates her way across the stage, delighting us each dance step of the way. For most the night, we celebrate with her greatest hits, until eventually both she and most the bar, decide to call it a night. Covered in glitter and streamers, we make our way home on the red line where a young girl from somewhere in the Middle-East, is fighting with a homeless man about politics.

Happy new year. Johnny is 2009, and so far, I love it.

Johnny Says Fuck 2008

2008-12-16T23:06:00.001-08:00

The final touches have been touched to my latest, and hopefully greatest mix cd yet: a retrospective of the best tunes that 2008 gave to me. After much internal debate and many, many sleepless nights, I was able to select 17 hits for the mix, including songs from my old favorites, as well as a few new faces.

Some of the highlights? The strange new magic that is KEANE: back from wherever it was they decided to go, redressed with regalia that could perhaps be describes as a bit new wave. Johnny likes. We Are Scientists barely made the cut, but even without that sweet-ass drummer, they still managed to make me happy with "Lethal Enforcer..." also strangely 80's sounding.

2007 gave me Chromeo, Walter Meego and Cazwell, and 2008 proved that they aren't going anywhere. "I Seen Beyonce" is an amazing track, and I am glad it came out this year (finally...) because I was tempted to include a recently re-worked version of "All Over Your Face" (which appeared on the colored 7" single for "Watch My Mouth") but I will keep that little darling up my sleeve for a rainy day.

If I had to choose just one great new discovery I have made this year, I would have to say it's the Black Kids. They made a great record that is fresh as fuck, and a whole lotta fun! Close behind is my happening onto Ghostland Observatory and Metronomy.

Oh! And I threw a heart-breaking version of "Ready for the Floor." 2007 had the original, but when I heard this, it really struck me. Probably the most touching thing I've heard all year.

So there you have it... interested? You should be. Email me to be hooked up.

Are you somebody's secret?

2008-12-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

I saw this ad on my walk home from work the other night. Stoli's new bus shelter has me very excited! Absolutely love it. Peep stoli.com for the entire experience. It's great, assuming you can tolerate the soundtrack. Very sexy. Are you somebody's secret? I hope so!

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3...

2008-12-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

December's icy hands are upon me, and I realize, the coldest of days seem to have arrived. With Christmas just around the corner, I should quickly shift my mental gears to thoughts of expensive gifts with lavish packaging... the smell of pine trees and egg nog mixing to create the intoxication aroma that I know as December, but all I can think about is how I don't want to take one step outdoors. This agoraphobia is taking control of my life... why the hell do I live in Chicago?

This week may have been a heaping pile of nasty, but I can't deny how interesting "Britney: For The Record" wasn't. I admit, I was very excited to peek in on her hot mess, but after two separate attempts to watch the MTV program, I gave up. What is off with you Mr. Johnny? Why is the train-wreck of celebrity loosing its appeal? How are you not drawn into her circus?
I suppose it's good to loose interest in such unhealthy obsessions, but it's not like me, and it has be worried.

In other disgusting news, I discovered whoppervirgins.com this morning. The teaser campaign boasts itself as "The World's Purest Taste Test," utilizing "13 Planes, 2 Dog sleds and a helicopter" to test American burgers on "virgin palettes." Ultimately, McDonalds and Burger King face off in this crazy inter-continental burger show-down. No kings or clowns. Just taste. Delicious if you ask me! It's a fascinating advertising move, but I realized: every American who ever will, has already tried both a Big Mac and a Whopper, and they know which of the two they prefer. As interesting as it may be to watch Aborigines, Eskimos and Eastern-European Villagers spit or swallow their first bite of greasy-fast food cuisine, why would their verdict affect the American consumer?